Border Patrol agents on the Mexican border arrested a guy who was trying to smuggle 756 pounds of bologna into the United States

From the Department of I Feel Safer Already

Last week, Border Patrol agents on the Mexican border arrested a guy who was trying to smuggle 756 pounds of bologna into the United States. He had arranged the bologna into the shape of a car seat, and then covered the new "seat" with blankets to avoid discovery by, among other things, the fucking Border Patrol dogs.

I swear, there is just no way to make this kind of shit up.

This post would have been finished an hour ago; but I couldn't stop staring vacantly at the article, with my mouth hanging agape. I'm not sure what it was that fascinated me most...it might have been the deeply-held sense of civic duty that possessed some noble Mexican man, keenly aware of the massive American bologna shortage, prompting him to risk his life in hauling 800 lbs. of Mexican bologna to his troubled American brethren. It might have been sheer awe at how awesome that plan was; since the Border Patrol uses dogs that can smell dirty thoughts and skin cancer from 100 yards away -- to say nothing of, again, 800 POUNDS of bologna half-assedly hidden under a blanket. Maybe it was the horrifying realization that it's probable -- nay, extremely likely -- that I have eaten deli meat that was molded into the shape of a car seat and spent a few long, hot hours under some kid's ass as it crossed the US/Mexican border.

This article wasn't nearly triumphant enough. Could it be that we've conquered the Mexican front in the War on Drugs, and we're just not gloating about it? Could Operation Nancy Reagan Thunder have been so successful that former cocaine smugglers are now like "fuck that, it's too dangerous -- let's stick to smuggling Meat Seats"??